no.

I've been saying that word constantly, out loud and in my mind, for the past day and a half.  Between fits of tears and long moments of silence, amongst the fake enthusiasm I've shown for my job all day and partial, artificial smiles at co-workers and students passing by my classroom.

My friend died.

No.  It can't be true.  It's got to be a mistake.  IT HAS TO BE A MISTAKE!!  NO!!!

Why?...why?...No.  It has to be a mistake.

No.

Amy.  The daughter of my dear friend and music teaching colleague Deb.  Fellow blogger.  Lover of life, art, travel, food, music, friends, family, her fiance and sweet puppy.

I am heartbroken.

Psalm 34:18  “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Today while scriptures were rolling through my head I said "Lord, your word is written on my heart and I hear you.  I hear you and I know your truth.  But right now we are fighting.  I disagree with this because I DO NOT GET IT.  WHY does it have to be this way?"

He says: MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS; MY WAYS ARE NOT YOUR WAYS.

I type the words into my phone's Bible app.  Yup, there they are, in Isaiah 55.

So I sit.  I wonder, for the thousandth time today, why.  I ask again: WHY?

Just..... why?  Lord, why?  She's gone, why?

And then this:

Psalm 73:26  “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

So I think about that word again, and again.  Forever.

John 14:1-4  “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS; MY WAYS ARE NOT YOUR WAYS.

So I ponder this.  And I seek more of the word hoping to gain a tiny bit more wisdom through it.

The Casting Crowns song, what are the words?...I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow...a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind...

Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done.

This is not fair.  THIS IS NOT FAIR.  And I think that this feeling, these emotions, this intense sadness, the unexpected terrible sudden "goodbye," is not for us.  We were not created for this kind of despair.  We weren't.  

We were created for God.

We were created to be eternal.  And because Jesus paid the price, we can be eternal.

Because of what You've done.

My friend Amy is with Jesus.  THAT IS AMAZING, PRAISE HIM!!!  Praise Him for her life and praise Him for this amazing gift of salvation!!
  

And suddenly, I'm a fool to be wallowing.  It's that strange war between the flesh and the spirit.  We can't fathom eternity...the human nature we are born into prevents that.  Alone, we have zero chance and zero hope past our pathetic, short, meaningless human lives.

But HE is our hope.

He is Amy's.  He is her strength.  And now she is with Him.

You will be missed, dear girl.

Psalm 119:50  “My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”